Loki (Season 1, Disney+, 2021) - 3/5

This show is fun and interesting, but has several problems holding it back. The show poses a lot of good questions about the multiverse, but season 1 ends on a cliffhanger without resolving almost anything which is very annoying to say the least. The set design and costuming is gorgeous, but some of the new superpowers and worldbuilding rules are very problematic in their retroactive implications. Owen Wilson does an outstanding job, but the writers seemed to want to write for a post-Ragnarok Loki and sloppily shoehorn 6 years of character development into one scene. It also seems to think it’s ‘woke’, so all the female characters are stronger, smarter, and more competent than all of the men. Ironically, this backfires by making the two male leads by far the most interesting characters. This show could have been great, but in the end it has nowhere to go.

Closest comparison: It’s like Doctor Who by way of Brazil (1985).

Setting: Sci-Fi
Plot: Sci-Fi
Tone: Action Comedy

Lawrence of Arabia - 2/5

This is a very uneven film. Some of the cinematography is spectacular; some is mundane. Some of the actors are chewing the scenery; some are phoning it in. Some of the slow, desolate scenes convey a feeling of isolation; some are useless padding. It’s extremely long, to the point that fully half of the runtime could be cut out without significantly impacting the narrative, which is itself a crime against cinema. Even some of the action scenes are boring, which should just never happen. Instead of being taut, the script is practically obese.

Closest comparison: It’s like Patton with the pacing of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Setting: Adventure
Plot: War
Tone: Drama

Dead End (1937) - 4/5

This movie takes place during a single day at the end of a waterfront alley in New York, and it delivers on the “knife fight in a phone booth” style of living the various classes of people living there endure every day. The stories weave together nicely to create a stage-play-esque tapestry that balances between the conflict of pathos and the catharsis of justice. It commands strong audience engagement and has a strong ending that may surprise you.

Closest comparison: It’s like Do The Right Thing by way of The Petrified Forest.

Setting: Sitcom
Plot: A Day in the Life
Tone: Crime Noir

American Animals (2018) - 3/5

This is a solidly made, small-scale heist movie that not many people have heard of. It’s more along the lines of a university coming-of-age drama with elements of stoner shenanigans, which is an unusual setting for the heist genre. Even more unique is the objective of the theft: rare, extremely large books. The story also keeps intercutting to interviews with the real people that the film is based on, which very effectively grounds it in reality. For all of that, however, the pacing is aimless and there’s a pointlessness underlying the commendable filmmaking.

Closest comparison: It’s like Orange County by way of The Big Short.

Setting: University Shenanigans
Plot: Novice Heist
Tone: Coming-of-Age DocuDrama

Cliffhanger - 3/5

This movie is a solid, stock action movie. It’s eminently watchable, with enough of a plot to keep things moving and exciting action to keep the audience engaged. It has a slow start, but once it gets going it doesn’t slow down. There are a few plot contrivances, but they don’t stray too far from the realm of believability and make for an all around fun time.

Closest comparison: It’s like Vertical Limit by way of Rambo II.

Setting: Survival
Plot: Adventure
Tone: Action

Bottle Rocket - 3/5

This movie is a weaker example of Wes Anderson’s directoral abilities, and holds a strange in-between status. Everything from the plot and dialogue, to the acting and cinematography is nothing special, and Wes Anderson’s distinctive style is muted here, likely because it’s his directoral debut. It’s cute and quirky, but isn’t firing on all cylinders.

Closest comparison: It’s like American Heist by way of Napoleon Dynamite.

Setting: Road Trip
Plot: Heist
Tone: Wes Anderson

Le Samouraï - 4/5

Despite its appearance this movie is a stylistic drama, not an action thriller. It’s a solid concept and fascinating to watch it unfold in its austere, measured rhythm to its inevitable conclusion. For lovers of film noir who don’t go in much for French cinema, this is one to make an exception for.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Usual Suspects by way of Playtime (1967).

Setting: Noir
Plot: Thriller
Tone: Drama

Fast 5 - 3/5

This movie is in some ways more of the same from this franchise, but ramped up to the next level. It has a bigger heist, more questionable physics, and a bigger guy (Dwayne Johnson) chasing the protagonists. The emphasis on family and low-level street crime has been mostly done away with in favor of high-tech missions and international stakes.

Closest comparison: It’s like Mission: impossible 3 by way of The Rundown.

Setting: Espionage Action
Plot: Espionage Action
Tone: Espionage Action

Fast & Furious (2009) - 3/5

This fourth entry in the Fast and the Furious saga seems like one of the weakest links at first blush, but there’s more to it than that. The story structure is some of the best in the series, unfolding the narrative with solid plot points and earned reveals. However, this is also the first movie of the bunch to start getting crazy with the over-the-top stunts and Mission: Impossible-level tech. It maintains the fun and flaws of the rest of the series, so fans will already know what to expect and everyone else won’t have gotten this far.

Closest comparison: It’s like the plot of The Third Man by way of Vanishing Point (1971).

Setting: Suave Crime
Plot: Undercover Detective
Tone: Action Thriller

The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift - 3/5

This movie received very low expectations after the previous installment, but it handily surpasses them by flipping the tropes on their heads. The cocky protagonist could have been obnoxious, except that the main narrative is about him growing out of his character deficiencies. The races could have been simple retreads of old ground, but instead they use the titular drifting to make some of the most interesting courses in the entire franchise. It’s still got the contrived interactions and setpiece moments and schoolboy drama at its core, but run-of-the-mill sequel this is not.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Fast and the Furious by way of Black Rain.

Setting: Yakuza Crime
Plot: Coming of Age
Tone: Cool Action

King of Thieves (2018) - 2/5

This movie was slow and boring, an especially egregious fault in a heist movie. It combines a drama about aging and recapturing spent youth with a jewel heist but doesn’t bother to blend the two genres, leaving the final product disjointed and stodgy. The impressive list of acting talent is undercut by flaccid dialogue and weak stakes. There’s no reason to waste time on this film when there are so many better alternatives for whatever you were hoping to get out of it.

Closest comparison: It’s like Going In Style (2017) by way of The Irishman.

Setting: Heist
Plot: Heist
Tone: Drama

Blade: Trinity - 2/5

This movie starts out as a competent action movie but ends up turning in circles and losing its way. The Dracula thread is fumbled to the point of being boring, which is impressive in its own right but not in a good way. There are some good action scenes, but the second act turnaround feels abrupt and unearned. There’s a distinct Joss Whedon knock-off vibe in some of the quirky character concepts, but with no development it falls flat.

Closest comparison: It’s like Buffy: The Vampire Slayer by way of Iron Man 2.

Setting: Post-Noir Goth
Plot: Super Hero
Tone: Action

Blade II (2002) - 3/5

This movie has all the great action and practical effects that are the hallmarks of director Guillermo del Toro, but it falls short in other places. Firstly, it immediately retcons a major plot point from the first movie, backtracks some substantial character growth in the main character. Secondly, the script plays a little loose with the stakes, utilizing physics-defying gadgets and out-of-nowhere character switches for pivotal plot points. Thirdly, the film severely underutilizes Donnie Yen giving him not even a single good martial arts scene, which is in itself a crime. But for all of that the movie is absolutely dripping with cool visual style and so viscerally engaging that it holds up admirably under its own weight.

Content warning: bloody

Closest comparison: It’s like Blade (1998) by way of Hellboy II: The Golden Army.

Setting: Post-Noir Goth
Plot: Super Hero
Tone: Action Horror

Blade (1998) - 3/5

This is a solid super hero movie, but since it was blazing a new trail at the time it takes a few missteps along the way. The action is pretty good and the blood sprinkler opening scene is low-key iconic. Still, there are several bad story choices and the finale is mostly underwhelming. There’s plenty of entertainment to be had here, but don’t look too deep.

Content warning: bloody

Closest comparison: It’s like Batman Forever by way of The Matrix, with vampires.

Setting: Post-Noir Goth
Plot: Super Hero
Tone: Action Horror

Pinocchio (1940) - 4/5

This movie is an exciting telling of the fairy tale constructed around an archetypal Jungian morality tale. Even apart from the great family messaging the story engrossing, though its creepy/spooky/scary tone will frighten young viewers. The animation is great, and although the style is now dated it holds up remarkably well. It’s surprisingly self-aware and perpetually on-point, giving Jiminy Cricket lines like, “What does an actor want with a conscience, anyway?” It’s stood the test of time, coming back around to become more relevant than ever in the modern age.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Hero’s Journey by way of Alice in Wonderland.

Setting: Gothic Fantasy
Plot: Fairy Tale
Tone: Dark Fantasy

Jaws (1975) - 5/5

This film is so classic it has become background noise in the world of cinema, but it’s still as thrilling as ever. Spielberg’s cinematography is on full master class display to conduct the audience’s emotions, including one of — if not THE — most famous shots of all time. Its light horror vibes suggest an older audience, but it somehow manages to maintain a Spielbergian mostly family-friendly demeanor. It’s much more slow-paced than its reputation may suggest, though fans of Spielberg’s other works will feel right at home.

Content warning: brief female nudity

Closest comparison: It’s like Alien by way of E.T.

Setting: Vacation
Plot: Adventure
Tone: Thriller

13 Hours - 5/5

This movie is a criminally overlooked gem that perfectly blends historical accounts with action. Michael Bay has enough respect for the real life events that he maintains a grounded sobriety in the story, but has enough experience making bombastic over-the-top action movies that he is able to deliver top-tier entertainment. He also somehow managed to not mention Hillary Clinton’s role in causing this catastrophe, probably the most self-restraining act of his career. This is a boots-on-the-ground realistic look at recent military action, and this movie far outpaces any of its peers.

Closest comparison: It’s like Black Hawk Down by way of The Rock.

Setting: War
Plot: Military Life
Tone: Action

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011) - 1/5

This movie is a meticulously, even beautifully handcrafted telling of a story so grim, gritty, sordid, and vile that it doesn’t merit being told. It’s remarkable how good the film-making is, being one of the only movies that makes long-form research genuinely compelling, interesting, and even gripping. But there’s no redeeming value to the story’s conclusion, no satisfactory result that makes the slough of watching the story unfold worth having been watched. Daniel Craig’s accent goes in and out (mostly out), but it barely rates mentioning against the mountain of other flaws in the film.

Content warning: female nudity, graphic sex, rape

Closest comparison: It’s like Dolores Claiborne (1995) by way of Se7en.

Setting: Police Procedural
Plot: Detective
Tone: Psychological Horror

Rush Hour 3 - 1/5

This movie is a tired cash-grab, bringing nothing to the Rush Hour series and not even repeating the formula of the previous two films. Instead it plods along, delivering unfunny jokes, nothing interesting in the way of action, and forgetting to even have an interesting police investigation for the story to fall back on. Worst of all, its portrayal of the grown-up little girl from the first movie was uncomfortable and the ‘joke’ about transit authority cavity searches was distasteful. Don’t waste your time on this one, it’s nothing like its predecessors.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Other Guys by way of The Spy Next Door.

Setting: Detective
Plot: Buddy Cop
Tone: Raunchy Comedy

Rush Hour 2 - 2/5

This movie makes the classic sequel blunder: it has less of what made its predecessor great and more of what brought it down. There is only one good action scene here, instead of the three to four in Rush Hour 1, and they’ve ramped up the stupid humor to give Chris Tucker more of a driving force in the narrative than before. They’ve also introduced a whole theme of ogling women in their underwear, bringing down the quality of the film making even further. The martial arts scene is really well done, but the rest of this movie is pablum.

Closest comparison: It’s like the martial arts of The Medallion pasted over with the raunchiness (but not the humor) of History of the World part 1.

Setting: Buddy Cop
Plot: Buddy Cop
Tone: Brash Comedy