The Legend of Korra - 2/5

This show starts off by making some interesting updates and changes to the established worldbuilding, but quickly loses its way. The characters are almost exclusively terrible and annoying, and the underlying world view the show is promoting is pretty toxic; the men are useless, bumbling idiots, the women are brilliant and effortlessly talented. Apart from a few interesting moments and story beats, it’s not worth watching.

Closest comparison: It’s like Avatar: The Last Airbender rewritten by the makers of Skull Island (2023).

Setting: Fantasy
Plot: Adventure
Tone: Comedy

Encanto - 1/5

This movie is truly ‘woke’, in that it has fallen asleep and has nothing good to say. Its worldbuilding is extremely lacking, much more what we’ve come to expect from Disney animation studios rather than Pixar’s exceptional record. The songs are immediately forgettable, and although the art direction is colorful it’s mostly uninspired. The magical powers are a mixed bag of standard, interesting, and bafflingly ill-conceived. The movie pays lip-service to the idea of helping the community but predictably plays out in oblivious narcissism.

Closest comparison: It’s the over-the-top feminist Disney/pixar movie.

Setting: Family Drama
Plot: Super Hero
Tone: Family Comedy

Pinocchio (1940) - 4/5

This movie is an exciting telling of the fairy tale constructed around an archetypal Jungian morality tale. Even apart from the great family messaging the story engrossing, though its creepy/spooky/scary tone will frighten young viewers. The animation is great, and although the style is now dated it holds up remarkably well. It’s surprisingly self-aware and perpetually on-point, giving Jiminy Cricket lines like, “What does an actor want with a conscience, anyway?” It’s stood the test of time, coming back around to become more relevant than ever in the modern age.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Hero’s Journey by way of Alice in Wonderland.

Setting: Gothic Fantasy
Plot: Fairy Tale
Tone: Dark Fantasy

Darby O'Gill and the Little People - 3/5

This is an adorable tour through Disney-fied Irish lore that touches on more than just leprechauns, though they are overwhelmingly the focus. The effects mostly hold up quite well, and a few of the scenes are actually impressively filmed. Still, the story’s quaintly rambling and there are several dubious plot contrivances. But on the whole it’s a worthwhile family film.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Secret of Kells by way of Behind the Waterfall.

Setting: Fantasy
Plot: Adventure
Tone: Family

The Sword in the Stone - 3/5

This is a fun family classic that doesn’t have staying power beyond the superficial. It wisely adopts a simple, straightforward plot, instead of the more complicated storylines of the novel by the same name or The Once And Future King. Instead the bulk of the film is dedicated to training antics which allows it to show off its main fantasy element: Merlin’s magic. The wizard’s duel is the most iconic scene and rightly so, as the rest of the movie is basically an extension of those few minutes, and makes it a solid entry in the catalog of classic Disney films.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Jungle Book (1967) by way of The Black Cauldron (1985).

Setting: Adventure
Plot: Fantasy
Tone: Family Comedy

Big Hero 6 - 4/5

This is more than a good family super hero movie. It stands on its own with a good story, excellent pacing, and a lot of heart. It’s earnestly funny and doesn’t subvert its established rules for the sake of a quick joke, a mistake common to far too many of its peers. The superpowers are interesting and creatively implemented, the villain is unique, memorable, and flushed out. Sure, it’s childish in a few places and whenever someone says, “Woman up,” it’s cringe-inducing, but those nitpicks aren’t enough to bring the rest of the movie down with them.

Closest comparison: It’s like Iron Man by way of Frozen.

Setting: Super Hero
Plot: Super Hero
Tone: Family Adventure

Bedknobs and Broomsticks - 2/5

This movie is a mild failure on many levels. Its setup is a ripoff of Mary Poppins and The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, the child characters are fairly unlikeable, and the cartoon other world has no internal consistency of theme. It has a great nugget of an idea in the Witches Correspondence School subplot, but it gets lost in the shuffle of “and now this is happening” plot beats. The finale is a good idea on paper but leaves excitement on the table in favor of what were at the time impressive visuals.

Closest comparison: It’s like Mary Poppins by way of The Russians Are Coming The Russians Are Coming, without the self-awareness.

Setting: Civilian War
Plot: Hidden World
Tone: Family

The Rescuers Down Under (1990) - 3/5

This fun family adventure follow-up to its dour masterpiece predecessor leaves something to be desired. It’s a great romp and if taken on its own merits is a pretty solid Disney fare, but when compared to its earlier installment has as much depth as a kiddie pool. There are several creative plot turns that keep it interesting for more seasoned viewers and some great cinematography to keep the whole family entertained. It throws in several ‘funny’ scenes apparently for younger viewers that stumble the pacing and introduce a mean humor that runs at odds to the emotional core of the story.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Rescuers by way of Treasure Planet.

Setting: Adventure
Plot: Rescue
Tone: Family

The Rescuers (1977) - 5/5

This is an understated contemplation on the nature of faith in the face of hopelessness. It boasts an unrelentingly bleak atmosphere that it douses with equally unrelenting heart. In true Don Bluth fashion the silliness is limited to a flavor of villain caricature and avoids affecting the plot. Instead, it allows the story themes to play out with a lot of depth without becoming too intense for more sensitive viewers. It’s masterfully executed and achieves its conservatively ambitious goal with real staying power for those not driven off by the family-friendly aesthetic.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Pursuit of Happyness by way of The Great Mouse Detective.

Setting: Crime
Plot: Adventure
Tone: Film Noir

The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes - 2/5

This little gem is mostly fine, but its dated aesthetics and excess silliness at the end make it drop just shy of ‘fine’. It’s an interesting look at a young Kurt Russell, but on the whole the acting, characters, and overall feel is vapid live action DIsney family fare. It’s not as funny as That Darn Cat or as heartfelt as Darby O’Gill and the Little People, which has only added to its justifiable obscurity over the decades.

Closest comparison: It’s like Phenomenon (1996) by way of Not Quite Human (1987).

Setting: College Comedy
Plot: Superhero
Tone: Family Comedy

Robin Hood (1973) - 5/5

This is one of the two most classic Robin Hood adaptations every put on screen, and it does not disappoint. This family adaptation doesn’t shy away from the hopeless plight of the villagers, and the theme of hopelessness doesn’t interfere with the swashbuckling adventure. The silliness here is kept to a minimum when compared to similar Disney fare, and never gets to the point where it might begin to affect the plot. It’s fun, creative, charismatic, and the whole movie is downright iconic, from Friar Tuck to the stork disguise at the archery tournament.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) by way of The Sword in the Stone (Disney).

Setting: Action Adventure
Plot: Heist Adventure
Tone: Family Adventure

Jurassic Park (1993) - 5/5

What is there to say about Jurassic Park? It’s a timeless classic. Almost all of the special effects are practical and flawless, and the few CGI shots hold up surprisingly well. The tone impeccably rides the line between pop horror and family adventure with aplomb. The plot, dialog, delivery, and cinematography are each so masterfully crafted that almost every scene is culturally iconic.

Closest comparison: It’s like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory by way of The Lost World (1960).

Setting: Exploration
Plot: Horror
Tone: Adventure

Artemis Fowl - 1/5

Nothing about this movie makes sense. Multiple times it goes out of its way to make sure the audience understands something, then has the opposite happen as if it were a payoff. The acting is very bad, with the notable exceptions of Josh Gad and Colin Farrell who are doing the best they can with what they’re given. The only consistently good thing about the movie is the set design, which is ruined by terribly choppy editing. There’s nothing to like about this movie, whether you’re a fan of the book series or not.

Closest comparison: It’s like Spy Kids by way of The Last Airbender (2010).

Setting: Hidden World
Plot: Ransom
Tone: Kids Adventure

Onward - 2/5

Now don’t get me wrong, this film is half Pixar and there’s a signature gut-punch at the end that works very well; it’s just everything else that mostly falls flat. The world is more or less generic fantasy with a few D&D-specific references, but the characters work well within it. There’s the kernel for a good story in there and sometimes it works. But there’s an awful lot of bad behavior justified as a necessary part of a juvenile upbringing, and those parts aren’t funny for the adult crowd and are just bad role models for kids.

Closest comparison: It’s like Rango by way of The Goonies.

Setting: Fantasy
Plot: Coming of Age
Tone: Road Trip

Sonic the Hedgehog (2020) - 3/5

This movie is not great but it’s far from terrible, and suffers from the age-old curse of heavy-handed trailers. The humor is consistently chuckle-worthy, very different from the cringey schlock spooned out by the advertisements. Jim Carrey is captivating as Dr. Robotnik, returning to his over-the-top, career-defining roots to play the quintessential cartoonish villain. Obviously the Sonic character design overhaul was imperative, but their best kept secret was that they had good writers to back up the visuals. It’s solidly family friendly, providing kids a color-saturated, hyperactive, pop-culture junkie to watch zipping around while dropping enough nods to the source material to amuse SEGA-generation parents.

Closest comparison: It’s like Spaced Invaders (1990) by way of the live action Pete’s Dragon (2016).

Setting: Fantasy
Plot: Road Trip
Tone: Family Comedy

Frozen II - 2/5

This movie is unable to escape from the shadow of its predecessor. For one thing, it is careful to ensure that all of the characters you might have liked from Frozen are back, regardless of whether they fit into the story this movie is telling. The songs are big, centerpiece moments but none of them are able to recapture the phenomenon that was ‘Let It Go’, despite their best efforts. The visuals are gorgeous again, and if your kids love the first one then it’s a pretty harmless way to pass 103 minutes; adults are likely to be much less impressed.

Closest comparison: It’s the best ‘2’ from Disney Animation Studios, for whatever that’s worth.

Setting: Fantasy
Plot: Adventure
Tone: Family

Klaus (2019, Netflix) - 4/5

This is a solid re-imagining of the origins of Santa Claus. It’s pleasant and funny without being obnoxious (for the most part), though there is an overbearing anti-tradition subnarrative that’s shoehorned in. Apart from that there’s a lot to like: alternate explanations of Santa lore, endearing characters with growth, and gorgeous animation. It’s bound to become a classic in some households, but in any event it’s worth a watch.

Closest comparison: It’s like Frozen by way of The Emperor’s New Groove.

Setting: Adventure
Plot: Rich Jerk Get a Heart
Tone: Family Comedy

The Goonies (1985) - 2/5

This is another one of those ‘80s kids-on-bikes movies, but this one doesn’t hold up well to its reputation. Most of the main characters are grating, the adventure is resolved mostly by luck, and the comedy is too looney tunes to compliment the otherwise straight-faced tone. Sloth is meant to be funny, but just comes across as making fun of the mentally handicapped, and the pirate captain’s name is a dick joke but always said without a hint of humor. We never even find out anything about the Goonies: what ‘Goonies’ means, which characters are Goonies, or why it seems to matter so much to them. The adventure parts are decently executed for the most part, but the rest of the movie is just mildly irritating.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Sandlot (1993) by way of Hudson Hawk.

Setting: Kids On Bikes
Plot: Adventure
Tone: Action Drama / Screwball Comedy

The Addams Family (2019) - 2/5

The first half of this movie is focused on introducing the Addams family and is pleasantly funny, with all the types of jokes and gags we’ve come to expect over the years. The second half of the movie is bland tripe, uninspired and providing a veneer of popular themes without a plot to support them. Even fans of the show will be disappointed by the portrayal of many characters individually and ultimately the family as a whole.

Closest comparison: It’s like Despicable Me by way of Tim Burton, but not by Tim Burton.

Setting: Pop Horror
Plot: Fish out of Water
Tone: Family Comedy

John Carter - 2/5

This movie is mostly passable, but is needlessly convoluted for what amounts to a simple plot. It relies heavily on its special effects and for the most part they’re passable, but they lack enough polish to carry the movie. The main characters aren’t particularly likable, which could make for an interesting, morally ambiguous movie, but doesn’t work in a family film. There’s a good amount of extravagant action, but if you’re looking for anything more you’ll be disappointed.

Closest comparison: It’s like Cowboys and Aliens (2011) by way of Jupiter Ascending, as a family movie.

Setting: Western Sci-Fi
Plot: Adventure
Tone: Family Action