Artemis Fowl - 1/5

Nothing about this movie makes sense. Multiple times it goes out of its way to make sure the audience understands something, then has the opposite happen as if it were a payoff. The acting is very bad, with the notable exceptions of Josh Gad and Colin Farrell who are doing the best they can with what they’re given. The only consistently good thing about the movie is the set design, which is ruined by terribly choppy editing. There’s nothing to like about this movie, whether you’re a fan of the book series or not.

Closest comparison: It’s like Spy Kids by way of The Last Airbender (2010).

Setting: Hidden World
Plot: Ransom
Tone: Kids Adventure

Frozen II - 2/5

This movie is unable to escape from the shadow of its predecessor. For one thing, it is careful to ensure that all of the characters you might have liked from Frozen are back, regardless of whether they fit into the story this movie is telling. The songs are big, centerpiece moments but none of them are able to recapture the phenomenon that was ‘Let It Go’, despite their best efforts. The visuals are gorgeous again, and if your kids love the first one then it’s a pretty harmless way to pass 103 minutes; adults are likely to be much less impressed.

Closest comparison: It’s the best ‘2’ from Disney Animation Studios, for whatever that’s worth.

Setting: Fantasy
Plot: Adventure
Tone: Family

Beauty and the Beast (2017) - 2/5

The CGI in this movie is solidy in the uncanny valley, from the Beast to Mrs. Pots. The songs they added don't feel like the original songs and sound like they could have come from Andrew Lloyd Webber's cutting room floor. Most lines they kept from the orignal have intentionally been spoken differently, I guess in an attempt to make it new, but now they sound less like real people saying real things than their cartoon counterparts did. All of that would have put it at a 3/5 for me, but there's a ton of politically motivated material in this movie. It's basically Liberal Virtue Signaling: The Movie, and it hits on enough topics that it's distracting. Every person in the movie we're supposed to like is either gay or a feminist or a cross-dresser or black or in a multiracial couple, etc. Every person who is bad is white, uses guns, doesn't read books, etc. On the whole, the movie is just about as bad as the unwatchably terrible Jungle Book (2016) live action remake, and it's just a big waste of time.

Murder on the Orient Express (2017) - 3/5

It's good. It's fine. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's honestly pretty bland. For all the acting and directing talent available it is not very impressive, except for a few pretty great 'oners' if you're looking for them. If you're familiar with the story this movie holds no surprises for you. If not, it's a classic and this is a solid adaptation.