Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves - 4/5

This movie is so much better than it has any reason to be. The inter-character chemistry among the main party isn’t anything spectacular and the narrative is long and meandering. But the story never gets ahead of itself and all of the characters endear themselves to the audience so well that it carries the whole film. All of the D&D specific lore is either background set dressing for eagle-eyed fans or explained well enough that even the casual, disinterested audience members will understand what’s going on.

Closest comparison: It’s like a mix of Logan Lucky, Labyrinth, and Stardust.

Setting: Fantasy
Plot: Heist
Tone: Comedy

Iron Mask (2019) - 2/5

This movie is bafflingly well-produced for its low-tier plot, effects, and acting. It somehow alternates between over- and under-acting, with effects and sets that feel like Big Trouble In Little China. The costuming and style is great, but it can’t save this movie’s campiness.

Closest comparison: It’s like Jupiter Ascending by way of The Great Wall.

Setting: Fantasy
Plot: Revolution
Tone: Adventure

The Witcher (Season 1, Netflix) - 4/5

This is a dark, violent, low fantasy show with excellent production values. The character-driven plot provides a refreshing take on the monster-of-the-week style of TV show. The action choreography in the first few episodes is outstanding, and the swordplay in particular is unparalleled among filmed sword combat. The first five episodes are easily 5/5 material; it’s not that the last three are terrible, they are just disappointing after such an auspicious beginning. Still, it’s the perfect bounce-back for disappointed fans from the last season of Game of Thrones.

Content warning: bloody violence, crass language, and lots and lots of nudity.

Closest comparison: It’s like Constantine (2005) by way of Game of Thrones.

Setting: Dark Fantasy
Plot: Adventure
Tone: Political Intrigue / Adventure

Legend (1985) - 3/5

This movie is campy and covered in glitter, but it’s also kind of great. I mean, with Ridley Scott, Tom Cruise, Tim Curry, and Mia Sara in an ‘80s fantasy how can you go wrong? The location designs and most of the costume designs are outstanding, though the camera work is too cagey and claustrophobic to showcase them in as epic a fashion as, say, the Lord of the Rings. It has a fairy tale story that will seem too childish for adults, and a dark side that may be too scary for younger children. Still, Tim Curry’s performance and the devil horns he wears truly live up to the movie’s name.

Closest comparison: It’s like Indiana Jones by way of The Storyteller (1987).

Setting: 80’s Fantasy
Plot: Fairy Tale
Tone: Adventure

The Nutcracker and the Four Realms - 2/5

It’s unfortunate that this didn’t have a better script, because for the most part the costume and set design are gorgeous. So much care and effort was clearly taken to make everything look amazing, and it does. It feels like Tim Burton by way of Joe Johnston, and even gets perfect creepy at one point, though not scary enough to frighten older children or teens. But the witing is vapid and the story is empty, and much of the acting is painfully stilted. The characters are caracatures, not behaving internally consistently but instead doing and saying whatever the plot needs them to in order to progress the story. There’s a surprising amount of ballet in this movie as well; it’s not enough for ballet lovers, though, and too much for ballet indifferents. All in all, it’s a beautiful mess and not worth your time.

Closest comparison: Alice in Wonderland (Tim Burton, 2010)

Krull (1983) - 4/5

This movie is definitely campy, but once you accept that it's gem after gem after gem, from plot to writing to cinematography to acting to special effects. Of course, there are flaws in all of these areas, too, but the great moments far outshine them. It's a wonderful fantasy sci-if romp, and criticizing it for its campiness feels like faulting a geode for being rough around the edges.

The Shape of Water - 4/5

It's very good, but there's a lot of nudity. Not pointless and in fact used maturely, but I also think ultimately the movie would have been better without it. On the whole the movie's beautifully shot and the story is beautifully told. Of Guillermo del Torro's other works it's closest to Pan's Laybrinth in the sense that it's a fairy tale told in a harsh world. If you like his other works and you are prepared to look away a few times, this movie is great, for the unparalleled set design and costume design at least.

Beauty and the Beast (2017) - 2/5

The CGI in this movie is solidy in the uncanny valley, from the Beast to Mrs. Pots. The songs they added don't feel like the original songs and sound like they could have come from Andrew Lloyd Webber's cutting room floor. Most lines they kept from the orignal have intentionally been spoken differently, I guess in an attempt to make it new, but now they sound less like real people saying real things than their cartoon counterparts did. All of that would have put it at a 3/5 for me, but there's a ton of politically motivated material in this movie. It's basically Liberal Virtue Signaling: The Movie, and it hits on enough topics that it's distracting. Every person in the movie we're supposed to like is either gay or a feminist or a cross-dresser or black or in a multiracial couple, etc. Every person who is bad is white, uses guns, doesn't read books, etc. On the whole, the movie is just about as bad as the unwatchably terrible Jungle Book (2016) live action remake, and it's just a big waste of time.

The Dark Tower - 2/5

It's too dark with no payoff. Great performances by Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey, but all the best parts were in the trailer. It's sad, too, because it could have been really good.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them - 3/5

The visual effects are great, so if you are going for them or you're already a Harry Potter fan then definitely go see this movie; I'm sure you'll love it. For me, there were several things that didn't work plot-wise and each spell they cast really only raises more questions, like "Why didn't they do this sooner?" or "Why don't they do this all the time?". I didn't really like any of the characters except one. He was fantastic and definitely put the movie up to a 3 for me.