Godzilla vs. Kong (2021) - 3/5

After a long and unnecessary preamble this movie eventually becomes exactly what its title promised. The fights are bashy, fun, and not nearly as dumb as the talky bits with the humans. The visuals aren’t as gorgeous as they were in the previous film, but here the fight choreography feels more grounded and brawly and less wide-shot cinematic. Fortunately the human plots are only cardboard pablum, not aggressively offensively stupid like King of Monsters and Skull Island, so it’s an improvement. The first 45 minutes are so completely disposable I recommend coming to the theater late to save yourself the boredom.

Closest comparison: It’s like Godzilla: King of Monsters and Kong: Skull Island got together to play Pacific Rim 2.

Setting: Exotic Adventure
Plot: Homeward Bound
Tone: Kaiju

Johnny Mnemonic - 2/5

This is a very dated film, a relic of its time. The plot mostly holds together, and though it drags in a few places is still a pretty solid keep-away plot. The cyberpunk aesthetic is a solid iteration of the genre and there are some clear precursors to The Matrix scattered around the film’s runtime. Its biggest rough spot is its painfully archaic CGI, but many will be able to get a good chuckle that this was ever good enough quality for a Hollywood film.

Closest comparison: It’s like a mashup of Blade Runner and Mad Max.

Setting: Cyberpunk
Plot: On the Run
Tone: Action

Starman (1984) - 3/5

This movie is yet another small scale first contact movie set in the heartland of America in the ‘70s and ‘80s. It’s very competently made, as are all films with John Carpenter at the helm, but it also has nothing to separate it from the crowd apart from a brief special effects shot early on that is up to Carpenter’s usual high standards. Jeff Bridges and Karen Allen have dynamic chemistry and Bridges does especially well with a strange role. While it’s certainly worth a watch for fans of quirky first encounter movies, most cinephiles can give it a miss.

Closest comparison: It’s like E.T. in the the era road trip trappings of Smokey and the Bandit.

Setting: First Contact
Plot: Road Trip
Tone: Fish out of Water

The Lost City of Z - 1/5

This is a beautiful, dreary wilderness exploration film that loses its way trying to obliquely shoehorn fake woke musings into an otherwise straightforward narrative. It’s a rainy slough that not only meanders aimlessly like a run-on sentence but ends without much of a resolution. In a more competent film this would seem audaciously presumptuous, but here it just feels like the writers forgot to write the story toward an ending. The only standout elements are the beautiful landscapes and Robert Pattinson’s acting, both of which are excellent and not enough to make the film worth watching.

Closest comparison: It’s like House of Sand and Fog by way of Apocalypse Now.

Setting: Adventure
Plot: Exploration
Tone: Drama

Café Society - 2/5

This this is a depressing tragedy of human moral weakness. It’s has great sets and costuming, but its main actors are miscast in their roles and struggle to melt into them. The story starts out witty and smart, but after the tragic drama begins finds itself unable to find purpose for its own existence. If you’re in the mood for a flashy dramedy with lots of pointless melodrama that never resolves then this is the film for you.

Closest comparison: It’s like Marriage Story by way of The Great Gadsby.

Setting: Romance
Plot: Tragedy
Tone: Comedy

Shopping (1994) - 3/5

This is a teen crime movie that works better than you might expect from its low budget. Jude Law and Sadie Frost have palpable chemistry that carries the film, and the plot fades into the background as the it basks in the ambience of ‘90s British street punks. Fans of the genre will likely rate it higher, but I don’t find anarchy plots intrinsically engaging. Still, it’s a fascinating artifact of the early work of Jude Law, Johnathan Price, Sean Bean, and director Paul W.S. Anderson.

Closest comparison: It’s like Trainspotting toned down to the level of The Warriors.

Setting: Crime
Plot: Tragedy
Tone: Punk Anarchy

WandaVision (Disney+) - 3/5

Most of the draw of this show was its mystique and intrigue. The premise was so outlandish that it kept the audience in a state of wild speculation during the two months it was coming out. But by the end it neither crashed nor stuck the landing, sticking it in the bottom half of Marvel productions. There’s a lot of content here from a lot of angles so mileage may vary on your enjoyment, but if you like a curiosity definitely check it out.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Twilight Zone by way of Too Many Cooks.

Setting: Sitcom through the decades
Plot: Aftermath
Tone: Sitcom / Super hero

Run Hide Fight - 4/5

This is an all-out action thriller, well conceived and smoothly executed. It’s appropriately intense, but instead of using its theme for mere shock value it uses it to amplify its message. The nudity is unnecessary, but thankfully well-telegraphed. Other than that, the movie is hard-hitting with outstanding, visceral acting to deliver the impact. It’s refreshing to see such a grounded story with relatable stakes and a message that isn’t pretentious, but practical.

Content warning: language, violence, female nudity

Closest comparison: It’s like Die Hard by way of Heathers.

Setting: High School Drama
Plot: Action Thriller
Tone: Terror Drama

Gone With the Wind - 2/5

This is a classic epic-scale film with excellent trappings and nothing to say. The first half is quite good and would probably get a 4/5 on its own but the second half drags on and on. It plagues the audience with painful repetitions of previously established material, over long dramatic yet exhaustingly boring tantrums from the main character, and pointless drawn out tragedy that adds nothing to the narrative. Even though there are some truly great moments, the rest of the runtime weighs it down and loses the plot in the weeds.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Ten Commandments (1956) for the first half and the never-ending slough of AI: Artificial Intelligence for the second half.

Setting: War
Plot: Tragedy
Tone: Petty Squabbles

Salt (2010) - 3/5

This is a stock action movie that is passably clever, with mostly competent action and a more-or-less workable story. Aspects of the plot don’t make a whole lot of sense, but it’s a fun action ride despite its flaws. It feels like it could have been a reskinned Black Widow script, with appropriately stylized yet almost grounded spy shenanigans. Some of the fight scenes and interrogations are kind of brutal, but the overall tone of the film is not.

Closest comparison: It’s like Black Widow by way of Jason Bourne

Setting: Political Thriller
Plot: Espionage
Tone: Action

The Woman in the Window (1944) - 4/5

This film noir centerpiece is a fascinating address of human psyche and the question of morality in the face of an imperfect justice system. It has all the hallmarks of the noir genre, including a male lead that wanders just beyond the line of morality and a will-they-won’t-they femme fatale. It’s equal parts crime drama, tawdry mess, and frank morality play. This movie shines in its clever plot by letting the audience in on the characters’ dualities to ratchet up the tension, paying off initial setups like gangbusters. If you’re a fan of film noir, this is a must-watch.

Closest comparison: It’s like It’s A Wonderful Life by way of Little Caesar (1939).

Setting: Noir
Plot: Cover-up
Tone: Thriller

Contagion (2011) - 3/5

The most fascinating part of this movie is its predictive qualities, weaving its narrative like CNN coverage of 2020, albeit nine years before it happened. The direction is dry but the acting, cinematography, and editing more than make up for it. The story is grounded and human, taking the good with the bad in a docudrama style that works well for the subject matter. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really go anywhere and can’t manage to pull the threads together in the end.

Content warning: mild gore

Closest comparison: It’s like Munich by way of Babel.

Setting: Spy Thriller
Plot: Disaster
Tone: DocuDrama

The Lady from Shanghai - 2/5

This film is largely a pretentious attempt at depth without providing any substance. It’s beautifully shot, but never amounts to more than tawdry trappings on a sordid story. It’s a convoluted plot for something as simple as adultery, and what’s more it has the audacity to be boring despite itself. It gets interesting toward the end, but by that time the audience’s investment in the characters has waned and their plight falls on deaf ears. And frankly the acting is poor.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Maltese Falcon by way of The Third Man.

Setting: Adventure
Plot: Drama
Tone: Pulp Noir

Top Secret! (1984) - 4/5

This screwball comedy hits a lot of the same notes as Airplane!, the previous film by the same director. It has the same deadpan visual gags, outlandish antics, and sprinkles of raunchy humor throughout that make Police Squad and the Naked Gun movies so beloved. The plot incorporates anachronisms that some viewers might fight distracting, but not nearly enough to account for its cultural obscurity. This movie is hilarious and a must-watch for fans of the director’s previous work.

Content warning: brief female nudity

Closest comparison: It’s like Airplane! by way of Spy Hard.

Setting: World War II
Plot: Espionage Thriller
Tone: Screwball Comedy

The Stuff (1985) - 2/5

This is a B movie with a lot of heart that has too much wrong with it to carry it at the end of the day. It has a solid tongue-in-cheek plot and approaches it with a smart tone, walking the line between comedy and pop horror. Unfortunately it doesn’t always work, and the poor acting and production values really hurt it overall. There are a few very impressive special effects shots, though mostly the effects are laughable, and the pitfalls here never make themselves offensive. This film soars past the ‘so bad it’s good’ threshold and is definitely worth a watch for fans of ‘80s schlock.

Closest comparison: It’s the intersection of The Thing, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and They Live.

Setting: Small Town Drama
Plot: ‘80s Pop Horror
Tone: Adventure Thriller

In the Blood (2014) - 4/5

This is a harrowing hostage rescue movie that flips the genre on its head and while firing on all cylinders. It has brutal interrogation scenes reminiscent of Man on Fire that show the lengths people are willing to go to save someone they love. The plot also kicks into gear at unexpected points, leaving the audience in tension and expecting the worst. It’s not for the faint of heart, but for those who enjoy the genre this is an underrated gem.

Closest comparison: It’s like Rambo: Last Blood by way of Man on Fire.

Setting: Exotic Adventure
Plot: Hostage Rescue
Tone: Harrowing Action

Haywire (2011) - 3/5

This is big budget proof of concept that feels like an indie project. It’s fairly uneven from its acting to its pacing, but the parts that hit are really well done. The fight scenes feel like choreography, but that of a very high caliber, well executed and a thrill to watch. The framing for the “in medias res” plot structure is pretty contrived and while it’s used in many stories it unfortunately doesn’t work here. If you like good action and don’t mind an overused plot, this movie is definitely worth a watch.

Closest comparison: It’s like Mission: Impossible by way of The Bourne Identity.

Setting: Espionage
Plot: Thriller
Tone: Action

Epoch (2001) - 1/5

This movie is hot garbage. The CGI is both dodgy and terrible, even for 2001, the acting is laughable, and it’s all built around a story that isn’t even a good idea in theory. There’s no heart to it, like everyone involved doesn’t want to be making the movie. Could be a good contender for Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Asylum production company’s attempt at an Alien or Arrival type movie.

Setting: Adventure
Plot: Sci-Fi
Tone: Discovery

The Devil's Own (1997) - 4/5

This is a meaty, slow-burn drama that really delivers on its complex moral narrative. Where many films try to convey the complex nature of morality and only end up becoming messy themselves, The Devil’s Own very cleanly demonstrates the complexity if its point. Although there are several action scenes it’s solidly in the drama genre, with most of the runtime simmering in the subtleties of a lie in the family dynamic. It’s riveting to watch the story unfold with actors whose presence alone chews the scenery with the best of the best.

Closest comparison: It has the undercurrents and style of Patriot Games with the down-to-earth simplicity of The Irishman.

Setting: Thriller
Plot: Crime
Tone: Drama

The Cape Town Affair - 3/5

This is an indie thriller that does a lot with a small budget. It’s a small-scale crime thriller with a ‘60s aesthetic that tries so hard not to overstep its limitations that it forgets to come into its own. There’s some witty banter, some clever dodges, and a few scenes of good tension, concluding in a passable, watchable, all-around not worse than pretty good movie.

Closest comparison: It’s like Charade by way of Three Days of the Condor.

Setting: Espionage
Plot: Crime
Tone: Thriller