The Goonies (1985) - 2/5

This is another one of those ‘80s kids-on-bikes movies, but this one doesn’t hold up well to its reputation. Most of the main characters are grating, the adventure is resolved mostly by luck, and the comedy is too looney tunes to compliment the otherwise straight-faced tone. Sloth is meant to be funny, but just comes across as making fun of the mentally handicapped, and the pirate captain’s name is a dick joke but always said without a hint of humor. We never even find out anything about the Goonies: what ‘Goonies’ means, which characters are Goonies, or why it seems to matter so much to them. The adventure parts are decently executed for the most part, but the rest of the movie is just mildly irritating.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Sandlot (1993) by way of Hudson Hawk.

Setting: Kids On Bikes
Plot: Adventure
Tone: Action Drama / Screwball Comedy

Terminator: Dark Fate - 3/5

There’s good news and bad news. The good news is this is the third best Terminator film to date. The bad news is it’s still pretty disposable. The action setpieces are big and iconic, the new terminator is well-conceived, and the returning combination of Linda Hamilton and Arnold Schwarzenegger is worth the price of admission alone. On the flipside, the acting is pretty bad in a few key places, the CGI is sometimes cringe-level rubbery, and the actions scenes each have several moments of dark lighting shaky cam that make them very hard to read. James Cameron’s presence is palpable, but it would have been a much better film if he’d directed it. If you’re a fan of the series this movie is a must-see, but beyond that it’s a pretty stock action flick.

Closest comparison: The Terminator franchise goes the route of The Fast and The Furious.

Setting: Sci-fi Action
Plot: Protect-the-girl Action
Tone: Sci-fi Action

The Night Comes for Us (Netflix) - 4/5

This is a martial arts-heavy protect-the-girl gangster movie, which tells you almost everything you need to know about it. The fight choreography is excellent, for the most part, but those who are squeamish at the sight of blood will want to pass on this one. A few of the fights have the classic one-at-a-time issue and there are definitely some eyebrow-raising “He’s not dead from that?” moments, but the movie deftly avoids allowing those issues to impact the plot at all. The characters are complex and conflicted enough to keep the audience invested and thinking, ticking it up from a 3 to a 4 out of 5.

Content warning: violent, bloody

Closest comparison: It’s like Safe (2012) by way of The Raid: Redemption.

Setting: Crime Action
Plot: On-the-run Action
Tone: Brutal Martial Arts

Kill the Messenger (2014) - 3/5

This is a by-the-numbers investigative journalism exposé movie and as such it’s well executed. The story is pretty straightforward and holding to the historical facts doesn’t leave much room for cinematic creativity. It’s well acted, well written, and paced to keep your attention, but unless you’re interested in the historical events you may find yourself bored. Jeremy Renner is excellent in the leading role, and without him the film would collapse under its own weight.

Closest comparison: It’s more All the President's Men than it is Erin Brockovitch.

Setting: Political Drama
Plot: Journalistic Investigation
Tone: Family Drama

The Punisher (Netflix, Season 2) - 3/5

There’s a lot to like here, but like all Netflix shows there’s 6 episodes of content stretched into 13 episodes. The action scenes are well executed, for the most part, but consistently fall into the trap of having the Punisher start each fight by getting beaten to within an inch of his life and then somehow rallying and taking everybody out so competently that it begs the question of how he got himself into this situation in the first place. It’s not as intellectually interesting as the first season so its main appeal will be for those who are invested in the character already. Overall it’s just too long with not enough to say, despite some great moments.

Closest comparison: It’s like John Wick meets Logan, but as a drier, drawn-out TV show.

Setting: Action
Plot: Vigilante
Tone: Crime

In the Shadow of the Moon (Netflix) - 3/5

The audience reception of this movie is going to vary wildly by political affiliation, as to whether the heroes or the villains win in the end, though the film certainly portrays them as heroes. The setup is clever and the core ideas intriguing, but unfortunately it ties its resolution too closely with preconceived notions of social issues that aren’t addressed within the film, only taken as a given. There are distinct similarities both visually and thematically to other high-concept sci-fi films, but the film falls victim to some huge sci-fi plot holes in the process. For all that, though, it still has a compelling story, very solid acting, and a high level of overall polish.

Content warnings: blood, some language.

Closest comparison: It’s like Mr. Nobody or Predestination by way of The Place Beyond The Pines.

Setting: Police Drama
Plot: Social Sci-fi
Tone: CSI Drama

The Addams Family (2019) - 2/5

The first half of this movie is focused on introducing the Addams family and is pleasantly funny, with all the types of jokes and gags we’ve come to expect over the years. The second half of the movie is bland tripe, uninspired and providing a veneer of popular themes without a plot to support them. Even fans of the show will be disappointed by the portrayal of many characters individually and ultimately the family as a whole.

Closest comparison: It’s like Despicable Me by way of Tim Burton, but not by Tim Burton.

Setting: Pop Horror
Plot: Fish out of Water
Tone: Family Comedy

Taxi Driver (1976) - 2/5

This movie is all over the place and extremely reluctant to explain anything, including character motivations. The audience is left to infer a lot, leaving much of the movie open to a lot of inconclusive speculation. It is a sleazy, hectic movie whose soundtrack uses city sound byte sampling at seemingly random times when it’s not layering on the easy-listening jazz at uncomfortable times. The main character is so unpredictable and unemotive that it’s impossible to tell what makes him happy, sad, or angry, even past the end of the film, which makes interpreting his motives nearly impossible. The nicest thing I can say about this relic of the 70’s is that it has good acting.

Content warning: violence, prostitution

Closest comparison: It’s like Joker (2019) by way of Apocalypse Now.

Setting: Noir Drama
Plot: Slice of Life
Tone: Gritty Tragedy

Gemini Man - 2/5

This movie is a mess. The action is decent, but all of the good parts (with one possible exception) were shown in the trailer and, bafflingly, were better executed in the trailer. The acting ranges from passable to poor, with a few pretty cringe-inducing moments. There are a few times where the cinematography is beautiful, but for the most part everything just looks boring. Even the special effects, while mostly top-notch, have a few scenes that look rough to the point of being unnerving. There are some good ideas buried within the story but the script is never able to do anything with them.

Closest comparison: It’s like Killer Elite (2011) with the art direction of Oblivion (2013).

Setting: Government Thriller
Plot: Sci-Fi
Tone: Action

Joker (2019) - 3/5

This movie is equal parts depressing, energizing, and consistently though mildly intense. The acting and cinematography are excellent and constitute almost the entire reason so see the movie, but the writing, while not bad, isn’t great. It’s slow but not especially thoughtful, it’s sad but not particularly meaningful, it’s a villain’s origin story without a big sendoff ending (though it certainly does crescendo). Fans of the other renditions of the Joker will be disappointed that this version doesn’t seem to be having any fun, and fans of Batman won’t be rewarded with the tie-in they’re looking for. It’s explicitly apolitical, but like Black Panther leaves room for everyone to read into it what they want. Ultimately, it reads like an honest look at depressed mentally ill man, and as such it’s pretty good.

Content warning: mental illness, child abuse

Closest comparison: It’s like Inside Llewyn Davis crossed with 8 Mile to make a villain origin story with the pacing and tone of Ad Astra.

Setting: Family Tragedy
Plot: Decent into Madness
Tone: Arthouse Tragedy

Mob Psycho 100 (Season 1, 2016) - 4/5

This is a strange show but very funny. It pulls heavily from the Shonen anime genre, simultaneously subscribing completely to it and taking it in an entirely new direction. It’s spooky in a good way, mixed with teen drama that’s mostly played for laughs. Unless you’re familiar with many of the popular anime tropes you may be pretty lost with this one, but for those in the know it’s a very fun show.

Closest comparison: It’s like One Punch Man by way of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure.

Setting: Supernatural
Plot: Supernatural High School Drama
Tone: Comedy

Rambo: Last Blood - 2/5

The first three quarters of this movie is a ‘mourning the state of the world’ drama and only the last 25 minutes is the brutal action we’ve come to expect from this franchise. It’s disturbing and uncomfortable to watch, and even though it has good intentions the final act doesn’t make up for the rest of the movie. I only recommend this to fans of the series who need to know how it ends.

Content warning: human trafficking, intense grit, brutal violence

Closest comparison: It’s like Wind River by way of Man on Fire (2004).

Setting: Modern Western
Plot: Kidnap
Tone: Revenge

John Carter - 2/5

This movie is mostly passable, but is needlessly convoluted for what amounts to a simple plot. It relies heavily on its special effects and for the most part they’re passable, but they lack enough polish to carry the movie. The main characters aren’t particularly likable, which could make for an interesting, morally ambiguous movie, but doesn’t work in a family film. There’s a good amount of extravagant action, but if you’re looking for anything more you’ll be disappointed.

Closest comparison: It’s like Cowboys and Aliens (2011) by way of Jupiter Ascending, as a family movie.

Setting: Western Sci-Fi
Plot: Adventure
Tone: Family Action

Thunderbolt and Lightfoot - 1/5

This is a meandering, low-brow adventure comedy that may appeal more to fraternity pledges than the average citizen. The heist isn’t particularly interesting and doesn’t go according to plan, to the surprise of no one. If the humor is up your alley it’s probably a fun watch, but there’s too little depth and too much juvenile nonsense to be worth it for me.

Content warnings: female nudity

Closest comparison: It’s like Pineapple Express with the aimlessness of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but with much less action.

Setting: Adventure
Plot: Heist
Tone: Drug Movie

Child's Play (2019) - 3/5

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good movie, it’s just also very disposable. Changing black magic to technology is a great update to the classic setup, and it plays out in exactly the combination of scenarios you’d expect. Aubrey Plaza and Mark Hamill do a great job drawing in the audience and making the world feel lived-in and engaging, although the movie follows in its predecessor’s footsteps when it comes to contriving scenarios where a child’s doll could murder people. Still, it’s quite well made and if you’re a fan of ‘80s pop horror this is certainly in the same vein.

Content warning: gore

Closest comparison: An update to the classic ‘80s pop horror movie.

Setting: Sci-Fi Horror
Plot: Slasher
Tone: Pop Horror

Ad Astra - 4/5

This movie is very slow, yet constantly engaging. Its gorgeous cinematography accentuates the dichotomy between the claustrophobic ship interiors and the limitless vastness of space. The story nicely mirrors the setting and gives the impression that nothing in this film is accidental. I don’t have the affinity for astronomy that many others do, so a significant percentage of this film’s viewership will likely rate it higher than I have.

Closest comparison: It’s like 2001: A Space Odyssey by way of Arrival (2016).

Setting: Near Future Sci-Fi
Plot: Adventure
Tone: Slow Sci-Fi

Tommy Boy - 4/5

This movie takes the wild college guy setup and trades out the raunchy, juvenile humor for a whole lot of heart. Chris Farley carries the movie, of course, and his comedic chemistry with David Spade here cannot be overstated. It’s a timeless classic for a reason and the gags still hold up well today, mostly due to the central performances. It’s definitely worth a watch for those who like ‘90s comedies but somehow haven’t seen it yet.

Closest comparison: It’s like Planes, Trains, and Automobiles by way of an SNL sketch.

Setting: Family Drama
Plot: Road Trip
Tone: Screwball Comedy

IT Chapter Two - 3/5

This movie is made for people who have seen IT (2017), but makes sure those who haven’t won’t be completely lost either. Where the first movie explored the horrors of childhood, this one explores the horrors of returning to your hometown and does a pretty good job of it. It’s all jump scares and body horror, like the last one, with enough gruesome spectacle that something on screen will disturb pretty much anyone at some point. But it falls short of the previous entry in several key places. First, when kids freeze when they should be running or make bad decisions like splitting the party it’s understandable, because they’re kids, but when adults do it it’s profoundly less believable. Second, there’s a lot of contrivance around reliving the past, seemingly just to be able to reference the previous movie. And third, there are multiple places where the movie stops to give pro-gay messages and it really throws off the balance of the pacing and engagement.

Content warning: body horror, gore, child murder

Closest comparison: It does to IT (2017) what The Temple of Doom does to Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Setting: Sci-Fi Horror
Plot: Horror Sequel
Tone: Mostly Body Horror

Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy - 4/5

This is a movie-length sketch from the comedy group Kids in the Hall, and that’s exactly what it feels like. All five members of the troupe play half a dozen characters and the whole thing has a gag-a-minute pacing, which is exactly what fans of the show are looking for. Its humor comes from the over-the-top scenarios and delivery, and if you like Canadian 5-man-band late-night sketch comedy from the ‘80s and ‘90s, you owe it to yourself to check this one out.

Content warning: crass language

Closest comparison: It’s like The Hudsucker Proxy by way of UHF.

Setting: Corporate Drama
Plot: Inspirational Drama
Tone: Sketch Comedy

Angel Has Fallen - 3/5

This movie is a solid addition to the series. It’s more of a thriller than either of the previous films, with the action taking slightly more of a back seat to the scrappy resourcefulness the main character uses to fight the chaos that comes against him. The action here is often too dark or shaky to see well, but feels more like it’s trying to convey the characters’ state of mind more than just not knowing how to make an action scene. Sure, there are some things that don’t make a whole lot of sense, but they’re easy to overlook and just go along for a fun ride.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Fugitive (1993) or Clear and Present Danger (1994) by way of Jack Reacher.

Setting: Political Thriller
Plot: On-The-Run Action
Tone: Thriller