The King's Man (2021) - 1/5

This movie has some gorgeous visuals and solid fight choreography, but the message is so aggressively detestable and pushed so continually that it makes the entire film vomit-inducingly unwatchable. It goes on and on about how terrible it is to lay down one’s life for family, friends, and country, making a big deal about how foolish and counterproductive everyone in the military is. The movie seems to think it’s terribly clever for making every capable, forthright character a woman and every man a sniveling, useless imbecile (except for the one black man of course). It’s so far up it’s own ass it could swallow itself twice, and seems completely unaware of its internal circular logic.

Closest comparison: It’s like Downton Abbey by way of Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, with a bit of 1917 thrown in.

Setting: Adventure
Plot: Espionage
Tone: Action Comedy

Shazam! - 2/5

This movie is infectiously funny, but humor alone does not a movie make. This is DC’s equivalent to Ant-Man, but it’s not as good. There are missed opportunities at every turn, as a character asks what makes someone a hero while standing among statues of the seven deadly sins and another character who is bullied finally has the strength to face his aggressors, but none of them pay off. The concepts are clumsily handled and fold in on themselves, actually creating logical inconsistencies and character motivation problems. Excellent effects and acting and all that, but there’s nothing else to it. And it shows.

Closest comparison: It’s like Big (1988), but instead of going the Bruce Almighty route it opts for the Venom route.

Setting: Fantasy
Plot: Super hero
Tone: Comedy

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Captain Marvel - 2/5

There’s not a lot to redeem this movie. It seems to confuse ‘mean’ with ‘funny’, and does so repeatedly. The main character is unlikable and arrogant, which is a bad combination. Ben Mendelsohn steals the show, which is how badly the writers portrayed Sam Jackson’s character. The action scenes are dimly lit and shake around like the camera man is afraid he’ll miss something; that combined with choppy editing makes them a jumbled mess. The skrull make-up is phenomenal, though, and the plot turn is actually not half bad. The tone was very different from other Marvel movies and felt much more like J.J. Abrams’ Start Trek movies, so if you like those movies you’re in luck.

Closest Comparison: They tried to make Wonder Woman, but made Green Lantern instead.

Setting: Sci-fi
Plot: Action
Tone: A messy mess of Superhero, Action, and Comedy

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Gladiator - 5/5

This movie is a classic for good reason. At first glance it may seem like just your average action flick, but the deep philosophical threads that run through it make for a rich, thoughtful core to grapple with intellectually. The few shots of CG are used sparingly and at a distance, which has allowed it to age well over the years. The action scenes have become deservedly iconic, but Hans Zimmer’s score is legendary and far outshines all the other top-tier aspects of the movie.

Closest comparison: Braveheart with more philosophy, in Rome.

Setting: Historical
Tone: Drama
Plot: Action

Aquaman - 3/5

This is a very uneven movie. Many times the visuals are stunning, gorgeous even. Then the actors dump exposition on the audience for a several minutes at a time. Jason Momoa is fun and endearing; Amber Heard is grating. Every fight scene has something really cool and something either bad or just dumb. There are two separate villain plots that push the runtime over 2.5 hours, and that would be fine if the dialogue was good or the characters were likable. Unfortunately, the stiff performances and lousy writing won out. Except for a few really great moments, this film is not worth your time.

Closest Comparison: It’s Thor: Ragnarok by way of Jupiter Ascending