In the Mouth of Madness (1994) - 2/5

This movie is a disturbing entry in the horror genre, along the lines of Stephen King and H.P. Lovecraft. Many of the scares are well executed, but the overall camp of mediocre production values lessens them somewhat. There’s not as much gore as many of its peers and much of it centers around investigating the quiet, backwoods town that keeps terror under the floorboards. Still, there’s plenty of dread and the film comes through with the cosmic hellscape in the end. If you’re a fan of 80’s hell horror, you’ll probably like this one more than I did.

Closest comparison: It’s like a cross between Children of the Corn and Event Horizon.

Setting: Small Town Creepshow
Plot: Disappearance
Tone: Dreadful Investigation

6 Underground (Netflix) - 3/5

This movie is Michael Bay rendition of the old Mission Impossible TV show, with all that that entails. It has huge setpieces and exciting action, an easy-to-follow plot and a camera that ogles the women in various states of undress. Car chases, parkour, explosions, one-liners; it’s 90’s action filmmaking turned up to 11. Everything’s very colorful, with lots of gorgeous shots despite a few shaky close-ups. It’s style over substance for better and worse.

Content warnings: sex, mild gore

Closest comparison: It’s like the Mission Impossible TV show (1966) as reimagined by Michael Bay.

Setting: Action
Plot: Action
Tone: Action

Bloodshot (2020) - 3/5

This is a solid action movie with a more intelligent premise than it at first appears to have. It has a few really great, showy action scenes, a few decent action scenes, and one CGI-heavy action scene that’s not done as well as it probably should have been. Even though the plot takes several deviations from the average action film, it’s ultimately a one-and-done spring crowd-pleaser, and it lives or dies on the audience’s affinity for Vin Diesel.

Closest comparison: It’s like Memento by way of The Last Witch Hunter (2015).

Setting: Near Future Sci-Fi
Plot: Revenge Action
Tone: Spectacle Action

Beau Geste (1939) - 4/5

This delightful film has the spirit of adventure all through. It’s the preeminent French Foreign Legion film, with a curious mystery constantly looming in the background. The whole movie has an old-timey feel, which is not bad but is an acquired taste. It’s not as epic and timeless as something like Lawrence of Arabia, though by focusing on a band of three brothers it keeps the story and stakes relatable. If you like old adventure movies, definitely check this one out.

Closest comparison: It’s like Treasure of the Sierra Madre by way of Lawrence of Arabia.

Setting: Adventure
Plot: Mystery/Tragedy
Tone: Adventure

Dead Heat (1988) - 2/5

This movie is a campy trudge with bad special effects (even for the time) and only a few chuckle-worthy jokes. It’s not interesting enough to pass for sci-fi or fantasy, not scary enough to pass for thriller or horror, and not funny enough to pass for adventure or comedy. It’s saved from truly awful territory by the charisma of the actors that seem to take everything with a grain of salt. Just watch Underworld or Turner and Hooch or any of the Lethal Weapon movies or Supernatural instead.

Closest comparison: It’s like an episode of Supernatural by way of Lethal Weapon.

Setting: Buddy Cop
Plot: Detective
Tone: Comedy

Onward - 2/5

Now don’t get me wrong, this film is half Pixar and there’s a signature gut-punch at the end that works very well; it’s just everything else that mostly falls flat. The world is more or less generic fantasy with a few D&D-specific references, but the characters work well within it. There’s the kernel for a good story in there and sometimes it works. But there’s an awful lot of bad behavior justified as a necessary part of a juvenile upbringing, and those parts aren’t funny for the adult crowd and are just bad role models for kids.

Closest comparison: It’s like Rango by way of The Goonies.

Setting: Fantasy
Plot: Coming of Age
Tone: Road Trip

The Hunt for Red October - 5/5

This is far and away the best submarine movie, and it’s not hard to see why. It’s an exciting political thriller that never gets lost in a nerve-racking haze of ambiguity but instead keeps the audience constantly informed of the stakes while somehow maintaining the perfect level of tension. The music is epic and Soviet, equal parts symphonic and sinister. The characters are understated, and the actors are all giving some of the best performances of their careers. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a bar-none must-watch.

Closest Comparison: It’s like U-571 by way of The Manchurian Candidate.

Setting: Cold War
Plot: Political Thriller
Tone: Drama

Warm Bodies (2013) - 3/5

This is a hilarious take on both the zombie and rom com genres, but instead of satirizing the genres themselves it makes a movie solidly in each genre, which itself provides the underlying satirical humor. Beyond that, though, the film is hilarious and has lots of heart to boot. Sure there are zombies eating brains, but it provides the most interesting interpretation for it that I’ve seen, even if it doesn’t make a lot of sense outside the context of the narrative. It’s a solid film, highly recommended for fans of zombie movies and comedies.

Closest comparison: It’s like Romeo and Juliet by way of Dawn of the Dead.

Setting: Zombies
Plot: Romantic Comedy
Tone: Action Comedy

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007) - 4/5

This movie is too gruesome and (at times) sordid to be a general crowd pleaser, but for its target audience it’s a perennial favorite. The music is carefully crafted ear-worm ditties that are a delight to have stuck in your head for weeks. The sets and costuming are beautifully filthy, and the story is conveyed with heartbreakingly gorgeous aplomb. If you can stomach the bloody nature of the premise you’re in for a moving and inexplicably funny time.

Content warning: blood, sexual assault

Closest comparison: It’s like From Hell (2001) by way of Phantom of the Opera (2004).

Setting: Gothic Horror
Plot: Revenge
Tone: Tragedy Thriller

The Revenant (2016) - 4/5

This movie is a cinematic tour-de-force with impressive cinematography and intense performances from the entire cast, Leo DeCaprio in particular. The story is bleak and depressing, and the movie goes to great lengths to demonstrate how realistic the situation is at every step. Its entire premise is about the crystallized intensity of one man’s will to enact vengeance and the brutality of wickedness and of the elements that he’s willing to endure to that end, and it’s equal parts riveting and difficult to watch.

Content warning: brutal, gory violence, sexual assault

Closest comparison: It’s like Last of the Mohicans (1992) by way of The Grey (2012).

Setting: Adventure
Plot: Survival
Tone: Revenge Thriller

Idiocracy - 4/5

This is a straightforward entry in the Dumb Comedy genre, but executed with crisp, satirical wit. It’s a pretty straightforward plot but the comedy domes from the film’s outrageous vision of the future. The predictions are eerily accurate despite their over-the-top implementation in the particulars, and the dialogue is hilarious and instantly quotable. While the sex comedy staples of the genre are present it doesn’t rely on them exclusively, and carves out a niche of its own in cult classic immortality.

Closest comparison: It’s like Encino Man (1992) by way of Dude Where’s My Car (2000), but better than both.

Setting: Time Travel
Plot: Sci-Fi
Tone: Dumb Comedy

Sonic the Hedgehog (2020) - 3/5

This movie is not great but it’s far from terrible, and suffers from the age-old curse of heavy-handed trailers. The humor is consistently chuckle-worthy, very different from the cringey schlock spooned out by the advertisements. Jim Carrey is captivating as Dr. Robotnik, returning to his over-the-top, career-defining roots to play the quintessential cartoonish villain. Obviously the Sonic character design overhaul was imperative, but their best kept secret was that they had good writers to back up the visuals. It’s solidly family friendly, providing kids a color-saturated, hyperactive, pop-culture junkie to watch zipping around while dropping enough nods to the source material to amuse SEGA-generation parents.

Closest comparison: It’s like Spaced Invaders (1990) by way of the live action Pete’s Dragon (2016).

Setting: Fantasy
Plot: Road Trip
Tone: Family Comedy

Locke and Key (Season 1, Netflix) - 4/5

This is the best young adult fantasy I’ve seen in years. Where Stranger Things is a show about kids made for adults, Locke and Key is made for teens, though it still has that tense, thriller vibe. It’s refreshing so see a new fantasy concept so well-conceived with plenty of room to grow into later seasons. The characters are compelling and even when they make bad decisions the show naturally incorporates clear motivations, showing the audience why each character does what they do. There is a casual attitude toward teenage drinking and sex, and though some is addressed in the show much of it goes unresolved. Still, the special effects are well above average, and each episode leaves you wanting to watch the next.

Closest comparison: It goes Stranger Things, Umbrella Academy, Locke and Key.

Setting: Family Drama
Plot: Hidden World
Tone: Domestic Thriller

Birds of Prey: And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn (2020) - 3/5

The first 2/3 of this movie are quite good, but it doesn’t stick the landing. The psychotic hilarity of the premise works well, the narrative and story structure themselves being subject to Harley Quinn’s delusions, but the final culminating fight scene is inexplicably abysmal, both in conception and execution. This film lacks the heart throughline of Deadpool, the adept writing of the Marvel franchise, or the intelligent depth of the Nolan Batman trilogy. It keeps telling the audience it’s having fun, with the shaky tinge of uncertainty in its voice.

Content warnings: language, brutal violence

Closest comparison: It’s like Deadpool by way of Suicide Squad.

Setting: Superhero
Plot: On the Run
Tone: Psychotic Comedy

Trailer

The Gentlemen - 4/5

This is the slick new crime action comedy from Guy Richie, and if you like his other films you’ll probably like this one, too. It’s a funny and suave take on the British criminal underground scene with a pert editing style that keeps the pace upbeat and moving. Unlike many of his other films, however, this one starts off with a lot of exposition, but once it finds its footing it does not disappoint. The actors all seem to be having a blast and the ending wraps everything up so neatly that it’s hard to find fault with the slower beginning. It’s great to see Guy Richie back doing the modern gangster films he does best.

Closest comparison: It’s like The Godfather by way of Baby Driver, but without the musical choreography.

Setting: Crime
Plot: Blackmail
Tone: Action Comedy

Flags of our Fathers - 2/5

This movie is passable in its presentation of war, muddled in its statements on hero worship, and goes on far too long to do justice to its subject matter. The battle scenes, acting, and score are all serviceable, but the writing and directing are noticeably lacking here, bringing nothing to the table. Its greatest crime is being a boring war movie, which is downright difficult to pull off.

Closest comparison: It’s like We Were Soldiers by way of Thank You For Smoking.

Setting: War
Plot: War / Drama
Tone: Drama

Wu Assassins (Netflix) - 2/5

This show could have been great, and it starts off well. But like so many other shows it loses its way about halfway through. The martial arts is very good, where present, but they use drama for drama’s sake to pad out the runtime, a common trend among Netflix titles. The acting is overall mildly uninteresting, except for an ancient mystic wu assassin character who provides top tier terrible acting every moment she’s on screen. The effects are modern TV level and ultimately not even the presence of Iko Uwais and Mark Dacascos can salvage the show from boredom.

Closest comparison: It’s like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon by way of The Fast and the Furious, but without the fun.

Setting: Modern Crime
Plot: Martial Arts
Tone: Fantasy

The Princess Bride - 5/5

There are plenty of nit pick reasons why this film shouldn’t get a 5, but they all pale in the face of the unparalleled amount of heart this movie exudes at every turn. It repeatedly proves itself with likable characters and quotable dialogue, keeping both the high fantasy adventure and the heartfelt romance in top form. Any low quality special effects inexplicably add to the overall quality of the movie, in part because of the story is cased in narration but also because it maintains a delicate balance between believable danger for the characters and lighthearted fun for the audience. It is easily one of the all time great movies ever made.

Closest comparison: It’s like Monty Python’s and the Holy Grail (1975) by way of The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938).

Setting: Adventure
Plot: Romance
Tone: Comedy

Underwater (2020) - 3/5

The idea for this movie is great, taking a classic space sci-fi plot and setting it in an equally hostile environment: deep underwater. The characters, however, are not likable enough to rival this movie’s predecessors and not memorable enough to make a lasting impression. It does a good job with the ambiance, competently building claustrophobic tension from the heroes’ perspective. It’s a fun thriller with some good reveals; nothing more, but nothing less.

Closest comparison: It’s like Alien (1979) by way of U-571.

Setting: Sci-Fi
Plot: Disaster
Tone: Thriller

The Witcher (Season 1, Netflix) - 4/5

This is a dark, violent, low fantasy show with excellent production values. The character-driven plot provides a refreshing take on the monster-of-the-week style of TV show. The action choreography in the first few episodes is outstanding, and the swordplay in particular is unparalleled among filmed sword combat. The first five episodes are easily 5/5 material; it’s not that the last three are terrible, they are just disappointing after such an auspicious beginning. Still, it’s the perfect bounce-back for disappointed fans from the last season of Game of Thrones.

Content warning: bloody violence, crass language, and lots and lots of nudity.

Closest comparison: It’s like Constantine (2005) by way of Game of Thrones.

Setting: Dark Fantasy
Plot: Adventure
Tone: Political Intrigue / Adventure