Crawl (2019) - 3/5

This movie knows what it is and delivers all the wonderful jump scares and alligator thrashings promised in the trailer. The problem comes in the form of plot contrivance, with inconsistent mechanics and stakes depending on whether the main characters are in peril or not. Don’t get me wrong, the characters are endearing and the actors really sell the whole situation, but after a few key “why didn’t”s and “how come”s the fabric of the movie starts to come apart. Still, there are a lot of great moments and it is exciting and gutsy in all the ways it needed to be.

Closest comparison: It’s like Dante’s Peak by way of 47 Meters Down.

Setting: Disaster
Plot: Drama
Tone: Thriller

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017) - 1/5

This movie has nothing to offer except a few neat visuals. Unfortunately, even those are surrounded by an unwatchable mess of bland characters, dumb dialogue, and plot contrivances. So much of this movie does not follow from the premises, making it hard to follow why people are doing what they’re doing and how they think that might work out in their favor, other than that the plot demands it. And it’s a shame because the character design on Javier Bardem’s Captain Salazar is some of the best in the series. Unfortunately his character becomes muddled and confused as the story progresses, as do all the characters, resulting in a clear cash grab from Disney. Even the jokes don’t land. There’s nothing redeemable about this dud of a movie.